


BLIND

by JammyJamFan



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-03-26 06:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19000426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JammyJamFan/pseuds/JammyJamFan
Summary: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Rizzoli & Isles

"You can touch me if you want." Maura whispers gently.

"I'd like that." Jane replies hoarsely releasing her hands from each other she had held tight enough to turn her knuckles white.

Maura closes her eyes and swallows. It was the words she never thought she would hear, delivered with the intention she could never have expected. Her chest hurts just a little.

Maura opens her eyes and looks at her friend. Jane has turned her face in Maura's direction and begins to reach her arm out before pulling back and dropping her hands to her sides and her chin to her chest.  
She looks nervous.

Maura can't stop the tear that leaks out of her nasolacrimal duct and trickles silently down her cheek.

A tear Jane will never know was there.

Maura slowly reaches out with both hands to gently touch Janes wrists, just so she doesn't give her a surprise. She cups Jane's hands in each of hers and lifts them to her face letting the palms rest there on her cheeks. Jane's long fingers spread between her temple and mandable on both sides while Jane's thumb grazes the arch of her zygomatic bone.

She notices almost immediately the quivering coming from the hands under hers, "It's ok Jane. I promise."

She watches as Jane sighs deeply and relaxes, and then she takes her own hands away.

Jane hasn't opened her eyes yet, and she won't, she will let her hands tell her what her eyes won't.

First the pads of Jane's thumbs run along Maura's cheekbone, back and forth a few times, softly then with more determination as the confidence grows. Then her fingers on her right hand draw across the jawline, searching, checking. The touch so soft, so timid, so tender.

"Soft." Jane says barely under her breath.

Maura holds her breath.

Jane's thumb passes the muscles on the corner of Maura's mouth.

"You aren't smiling."

She lets the corner of her mouth lift causing a subtle indent in her cheek and Jane presses it gently letting her own lips curl up at the edges.

"I always loved your smile." Jane whispers like its a secret.

Maura presses the side of her face into Jane's hand trying to hide her emotions, to press closer instead of running away, to fight against the tears that threaten to fall endlessly. Tears that cannot fix a thing or they would have by now for the sheer amount shed.

"Do you want me to stop?" Jane asks quickly sensing the change she can't quite make sense of.

Maura can't reply because of the globus sensation in her throat and so she presses a gentle kiss onto Jane's palm that is thankfully already covering half her face.

"I'm sorry." The gravelly broken voice penetrates so deep into her heart she cannot hold back a sob.

"No Jane. No. It's not you. I promise. You haven't done anything wrong. This is just...its..."

Jane finally opens her eyes and they are wet and glassy yet blank, cloudy, "A very bad situation." She finishes softly.

Maura studies Jane for a moment while she bites her lip. All expressions now that much harder to read.

A bad situation is an epic understatement.

One Jane isn't even fully aware of yet.

"I am sorry Jane. God I am so sorry this has happened."

The next tear runs between her skin and Jane's palm making Jane painfully aware of it.

"Shhhhhh." Jane commands as she wraps her hand around the back of Maura's neck and pulls her closer, enveloping her in a hug.

The warmth is undeniable. For someone who never much liked to be hugged she feels like she is in heaven.

But even as Maura closes her eyes she can still see Jane's face, imprinted to memory.

The red burn marks across her face, the damaged and broken skin from where the chemical exploded spraying around the room Jane had been in. The burns covered half her forehead, part of one cheek, the tip of the nose, top lip, ear and a few blotches on the other cheek and chin. Also the shoulder and left forearm. She would never look the same again. She would never be the same. The damage had changed the ability Jane had to express herself so easily through expression.

On top of that, the possible permanent blindness as a result of the same event. The bandages that hid Jane's eyes from the world for days on end also hid a possible hope. Until they were removed. All eyes on Jane, blank expression of dull, hazy eyes, stared ahead at the wall.

Gasps followed by watching, waiting, tension beyond words.

Jane took a moment before reaching to her face trying to grasp at something invisible.

"What are you doing Jane?" The doctor asked, concerned she might scratch the damaged skin on her face causing infection.

"Taking off the bandages."

In that moment reality hit hard and shattered their hopes.

Jane couldn't sense light, she couldn't see anything.

Maura buried her face in her hands.

Jane became depressed and refused to engage in discussions revolving around outcomes and diagnosis. And when Maura and Angela discussed skin grafts or plastic surgery with the doctor, Jane would turn away from the group and hum a tune, sometimes even covering her ears.

"It's gonna be fine." Jane whispers against the crown of Maura's head pressing a kiss to her hairline.

Is it? Maura wonders to herself. Things are improving...it could also have been a lot worse.

Three officers had been moving in to catch the perp, they had cleared the front rooms and were moving into the back kitchen when the home-made explosive went off. Jane, out in front had taken the worst hit. According to the officer a few feet behind Jane, Jane didn't drop her gun hand, she screamed for them all to fall back as she stumbled backwards and to her knees. She couldn't comprehend exactly what happened but wanted to protect everyone else.  
The other two officers suffered only minor burns, minor enough that they could drag a groaning Jane outside and douse her and themselves in water. Their speedy response had possibly saved Jane's life, but definitely had prevented further damage to tissue and muscle.  
SWAT was on scene within five minutes in full gear, raiding the home and capturing the perp.  
What Jane hadn't been told was that they were too late to save the hostage, by what amount of time they were late would never be know for definite.

But that wouldn't change the outcome.

Since waking up in hospital, Jane had become subdued, faced with more unknowns than she had encountered before, and unable to distract herself with work, with reading, with television, with anything.

Suddenly forced into the possibility of never being able to see again, facing a reality completely different from anything she had ever known before.

Perhaps Jane was now preparing herself as if she might never see anything again.

Asking questions about sounds that were once very familiar by sight . Her sense of smell already working so much harder. Tasting old foods with a new perspective. Letting her hands be her eyes.  
First it had been when she held her mothers hand, her fingers had danced across the skin and pressed in the folds between the knuckles. Angela told her she had examined her first kitten like that, learning all about her small pet by feel, holding it too close and too tight than it liked. Feeling every part of it just to know it.

Then Maura's hand, the same as her own mothers, like it might be a way to tell who was who. Like it was a connection she needed now.

Tracing the heart line onto the head line and back to the life line, pausing at the wrist and then backtracking again. so slowly, so silently, like she was lost in thought.

And Maura would watch, watch Jane's hand and her face, relearning to read her friend like an old book in a new jacket.  
And it seemed to keep Jane engaged, less depressed and perhaps a tiny bit hopeful of a future that would be vastly different but not devastating. And so Maura had made a game of it, bringing in interesting things for Jane to examine and guess what they were. Chuckling at the guesses and feeling truly happy inside that Jane was actually enjoying herself.

Until here they were, Jane asking if you can really tell what a person's face looked like by touch alone.

Maura responding softly that perhaps she should try it out and see.

Jane responded with a self conscious grunt and started to twist her hands together nervously. Recognizing that Jane couldn't yet believe it polite to ask 'can I grope your face', Maura offered herself.

Maura didn't remove herself from the hug like she usually would, and that caused Jane to feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Are you hiding because I look that bad?" There was humor in the way she asked but it was mainly to hide the awkwardness inside that had been building.

Last similar joke had Maura defending herself desperately and promising Jane that she didn't look that bad. Her brain cried out that Jane was still just as beautiful, but she knew Jane didn't want to hear that either. But she couldn't give Jane the out she was hoping for.

"I'm not hiding. I'm grateful."

"Grateful?" Jane asks, confusion in her tone.

"Grateful that you are alive."

"Maur..."

Maura tighten her grip and Jane gives her a gentle squeeze then takes in a deep breath, enjoying the warmth and aromas around her. She is almost desensitized to the ammonia hospital smell and can focus on the multiple scents wafting under her nose. Conditioner, face cream, laundry powder, perfume. Familiar smells that make her feel like everything will be ok.

"It's only going to be different. Nothing important will change. I still have my family."

A long pause follows, comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

"I don't know how you do it Jane."

"Do what?"

"You always...you block out the negative and see the positive. I've seen so many people in situations like this that are unable to emotionally recover...and so fast."

Jane doesn't reply.

"You are so brave. You always have been. With Hoyt, with Alice Sands, with...your baby...but this, this shows me just how remarkable you really are. That you do push through, that it isn't just a facade."

Jane's grip tightens until it is almost painful for Maura so she pulls away. And when she leans back she can see Jane is emotional. No tears because of the damage around the tear ducts, but she is clearly struggling with something, some part of Maura's words.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart." Maura gushes and reaches her hand to cup the side of Jane's face, "That was insensitive of me. I'm sorry."

"S-okay."

"It will be ok."

"I know." Jane whispers.

Maura watches the way Jane turns her head towards her, like she might still be able to see, like she always did. Jane always saw her, when no-one else did. Jane never used her like other people did.  
Jane gives a half grin like she knows Maura is watching, the indents in her cheek popping inwards as if that sort of skin stretching doesn't even hurt right now.

And Maura is overwhelmed by everything and nothing.

"You're beautiful Jane."

Jane scoffs softly like it is an amusing joke, "You are." She quips back like its some sort of response game.

Maura lets her fingertips glide down the side of Jane's cheek, it's bumpy and rough but she can feel Jane relax under the touch, like it's the first time someone has really touched her face since the incident.

Maura decides in that moment she won't stop, she can't stop, she must let Jane feel like everything is normal, that her face is not burned and scarred, that she is still touchable.

Her thumb finds the clef in Jane's chin and then crosses it to the other side stroking the other cheek, the almost uninjured one, and she can feel Jane smile under her touch. Perhaps because of the touch.

And she wishes she would never have to stop.

And Jane's hand finds Maura's cheek again and begins to mirror the movements she feels on her own face. Maura closes her eyes and thinks of the names of bones and muscles under her touch, and taking to into her memory the changes to the tissue on Jane's face.  
The supraorbital ridge now naked of eyebrow hair and replaced by bumpy fibrous tissue. The corner of her mouth burnt but healing. The texture of her top lip so different from the bottom. She can still feel the strength under her fingertips, it was the internal strength she had mistakenly believed was something physical in appearance.  
She thought Jane's strength was in her height, her bone structure, how she held her jaw, the way she carried herself. But Maura had been mistaken. The outside is just a placeholder, a vessel for what was inside. Gentle and strong. Broken and brave. One because of the other, inseparable.

"You're smiling." Jane whispers.

Suddenly Maura's face drops quickly feeling guilt start to overtake her. She had been subconsciously smiling while she felt and memorized the permanent scarring to her friends face.

Jane can feel the change under her fingertips, and the change in the room.

"It's good Maura. I want you to smile. I want you to be happy."

Maura shakes her head and sighs, forgetting Jane can't see her, "Jane."

Jane tries to look, tries to understand why she feels like she might be about to be scolded.

"I wish you could see you the way I see you Jane. You're remarkable"

"I wish you could see you the way I see you too Maur." Jane says as she leans forward to rest her head against Maura's.

"You can't see me Jane."

"Yes I can. I can always see you."

Maura pulls Jane into a hug, "I know you do. I think you're the only one who does sometimes. I can always see your heart too Jane."

"Yes you do."

Maura thinks back to all those times Jane would switch from being tough and edgy to real and vulnerable with her.

"Kinda crazy how well we know each other huh. How well we compliment each other."

"Hmmm. We are very good together."

"You don't have to worry about me running off with a man now...but part of me hopes you don't find someone and leave me...the other part of me just wants you to be really happy."

Maura pulls away and looks at Jane surprised, she wishes Jane could see her reaction, see that no man would cause Maura to leave Jane. But Jane can't see, she just sits calmly waiting to understand.  
Maura can't think which part she wants to respond to first.

"Jane, I have never been so happy in all my life, since meeting you, I feel so...whats the word...complete. And I do worry about you finding someone and leaving me, now just as much as ever. "

"You're too kind Maur."

"You're just blind to how amazing you really are Jane. You need to back yourself. I don't think there is a guy out there worthy of you, but if he exists then he will be the luckiest guy in the world."

"I kinda hope he doesn't exist...because I don't want things to change."

"Change is inevitable."

"You don't have to tell me. I am having to learn how to do everything different."

"Then what are you really afraid of Jane?"

"Something changing between us mostly."

"Why do you think something would change."

Jane starts to play with the hem of her top while Maura tries to read her expression, something that used to be so easy for her.

"Circumstances have changed now."

"It's not changed so much, not really."

"It feels like it has."

Maura reaches out and takes Jane's hand before she ruins the stitching on her top.

"How can I help you to know it won't change?"

Jane sighs, "I don't know."

Maura pulls Jane's hand and places it on her chest against the ribs protecting her beating heart.

"Can you feel that?"

"I..um...can feel your heart beating..."

Maura smiles, finally feeling she is able to express everything she has wanted to for so long, but has always been stopped by something.

"Jane, I don't think it will beat at all if you weren't around."

"You're so soppy."

"I'm being real."

Jane leans forward and rests her face against her hand against Maura's chest.

"Have I really been this blind to how you felt all this time?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maura's POV

She sits beside me.  
She holds my hand.  
She leans against my shoulder.  
And she whispers that she loves me.

Things have been different, since she heard my heart.  
Things have been changing anyway.

She uses a cane to help her to the witness stand.  
She looks as strong as she used too and she still commands the room.  
The big difference is the clothes she wears, but thats all my doing.  
Her testimony puts another murderer behind bars.

She doesn't work homicide anymore, but she never gave up.  
She says if you get lemons then you make lemonade.  
I tell her that the lemon skins have more vitamin C than the flesh.  
She says, so I'll make lemon cakes instead.

She works in as a specialist now.  
It doesn't surprise me that she is still so driven.  
She works for the police, the FBI, as well as emergency call departments.  
She finds clues in audio recordings. She analyzes voices and tones.  
She can tell the type of gun from a single shot.  
She can tell by a voice when someone is in trouble even when they hide it.  
She still solves cases as much as she used to.  
And her ma loves that she is behind a desk now.  
Secretly so do I.

People stare at her but she doesn't see them.  
Her sunglasses hide most of the scars.  
She still runs her hands through her hair, she still rubs her palms together.  
She still has nightmares sometimes, but now she isn't alone.

I touch her face everyday, it's familiar now.  
I tell her she is beautiful.  
She blushes and tries to hide but she doesn't tell me i'm lying.  
She is beautiful in every way.

She gets excited when her eyebrow starts to grow back.  
She still laughs at things I don't understand.  
She seems to know how I feel even when I don't say.  
She kisses me in a way words can't begin to describe.  
She loves me in a way no one has before.

I always thought change was dangerous.  
Until everything around me turned upside down.  
Now I wonder how I lived before underneath all the pretenses.

She sees me. She sees nothing and everything.  
And when she looks my way, it's like it used to be.  
Long and longing, and I can't help but smile.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane's POV

She always wakes before me and I know she just watches me sleeping.  
She notices when I wake even though I don't say a word.  
I feel her breath against my neck and her fingers dance in heart shapes across my stomach.  
She kisses my cheek and whispers 'good morning my love' and then she nuzzles against my neck and waits.

I smile and I turn to her. I've never enjoyed waking so much before.  
Without seeing her, I look at her like she is the most precious thing in the world.  
The way I have always seen her.  
The way I have always looked at her.

Her hand brushes my cheek slowly, she doesn't pause when she feels the textures change beneath them.  
There's no hesitation in her movements, there's no fear or disgust, only gentleness.

I have no idea what I look like now, I only have her word on that.  
And since I will possibly never see, she doesn't talk about changing the way I look anymore.  
I wonder if she will tell me when I start to turn grey.  
I wonder if she will tell me when she does.

When we go out, It is I that misses social cues, but she doesn't tease me about it.  
When we stay home, I fall asleep easily, and she just lets me rest against her.

It's a strange thing to live in a place where the physical doesn't matter.  
To not care about the colour of you shoes, or if you dribbled coffee down your front.  
But she cares.  
Her wet thumb is constantly removing crumbs or smears off my face and she laughs when I protest.  
Her fingers are always gently adjusting my clothing, straightening my shirt even if it doesn't need it.  
Her hands dance through my hair to try to soothe it into place.  
Those things don't matter to me anymore. But that she wants me to fit in is the wonderful sweetness that she is.  
She doesn't do those things for her sake, otherwise with how I think I look she would never have stayed.

She is there for the things I don't see.  
She is there for the things I do see.

And She is always ready to tell me what I am hearing.  
The plate Ma puts down in front of me is a bunny pancake with syrup.  
The cause of the laughter in the park is a child's birthday party.  
If a bird chirps I'll know the entire history of it.  
If a batter strikes I'll know the speed and direction and angle.  
And at sunset she just melts into my side because she knows, without sight, I feel the beauty of it.  
At the beach the water caresses my feet and she wraps my arms around her waist because she knows I already know that which I cannot see.

It's funny you know, if I could see, I don't think I would have ended up with her.  
Because when I used to look at the way she dressed, I knew she was out of my league.  
Because she was too beautiful to be with someone who wasn't a celebrity.  
And it's because when she puts her hand on my leg at family dinner, I can't see the looks my mother gives me.  
I don't see the looks people give when we walk down the street hand in hand or arm in arm.  
It's because I'm blind I can just be free.

And then there is her, and she is wonderful.  
The way she pretends to let me lead on the dance floor.  
They way she moves under my touches.  
They way she just lets me explore.  
The way she whispers my name.  
She puts my hand on her cheek when she smiles so I can feel it.  
She holds my hand to her chest when she is sad so I can feel her pain.

Sometimes, in the complete darkness, I feel cut off from everything. Like my ears are only hearing recordings and I don't really exist.  
Let me see you, I ask. I beg. And within seconds she has kissed my palms, and placed my hands on her face.  
She doesn't ask why. She is just there, bringing me back.  
And when my fingers stroke warm soft skin, I can see her in my memories again, and I'm not alone.

She is my eyes and she has my whole heart and she can feel the width and depth of it.  
And in return I give her everything I know she needs and whatever else she manages to ask for.  
Without her I would be lost.  
I would be blind.  
But with her, I can do whatever I set my heart and mind too.  
And I know she can't wait to see what that will look like.  
What we will do together.


	4. Chapter 4

I watch as she places her hand on my daughters elbow.  
Her fingers tap a few times like a secret message.  
My daughter understands and responds appropriately to the situation she cannot see.  
That is when I realise this girl has become my daughters sight.  
This girl who I welcomed into my home so long ago and so many many times since.  
This girl who I had become a surrogate mother because she was so incredibly alone and yet so wonderful.

So much had changed so quickly and I was so preoccupied with my own emotions that I wasn't watching.  
My once confident wonderful daughter I was so proud of was suddenly devoid of her vision.  
I was angry at her for putting herself in danger and getting hurt.  
Angry at her job for the wonderful things it took from my baby girl.  
Angry at her father for letting her follow a dangerous career and not being there.  
I was Angry at myself for not protecting her better as a mother should.

But my daughter appeared almost the same.  
Her passion for life still strong.  
Her irritability and sarcasm remained unchanged.  
She was still as fearless as before.  
Still as stubborn as before.  
Still as caring as before.

It took me quite awhile to see that they were together. More than friends.  
They had been so close before the accident.  
They had spent more and more time together after and their closeness that much more.

It had been at family dinner that I realised.  
They had gone into the lounge and left the boys doing the dishes.  
They thought they were alone but I had gone to check on them.  
My daughters eyes closed slowly as a thumb brushed across her lips.  
My daughter had leaned slowly towards her friend, their lips barely grazing.  
My heart began to thud in my chest with fear and also something akin to gratitude.  
My mouth dropped open and I tried to turn away but couldn't.  
But they did not kiss because one of them knew they weren't completely alone.  
She instead squeezed my daughters hand and kissed her on the cheek instead.  
And my daughter had instantly known, she dropped her head and whispered Hi Ma.

Then all the moments they shared between the accident and that moment made sense.  
They weren't just girlfriends caring for each other through some of the hard times.  
Those innocent touches began to mean something more.  
Hair brushed gently away, knuckles kissed, holding hands and touches on the shoulder.  
It had seemed so innocent before I knew.

And for weeks afterwards I never said a thing.  
That way my conscience would be silent as I tried to ignore it all.  
The church would have frowned upon it.  
Her father would have blamed me.  
Would my salvation somehow be on the line.

And so I convinced myself that those gentle touches my daughter leaned towards were merely comfort.  
The hand holding and whispered words were just good friendship.  
The elbow touches and squeezes were simply caring between disabled and carer.  
But deep down I knew. I just ignored it.  
Because they were both so happy.  
And I wanted them to stay that way.  
Yet I wondered if she would still be saved because of it.

And I perhaps could have pretended nothing was happening forever.  
Until one day my daughter told me she was completely in love with her dearest friend.  
I watched the friend blush out the corner of my eye.  
And then I was filled with fear.

Thankfully she couldn't see my face.  
But perhaps she knew how I would think and feel. In that moment.  
Because she took my hand and said Ma I do understand but I just can't help it.  
I squeezed her hand and hid my tears. Internal conflict abounding.

But she is my daughter and I love her unconditionally.  
Without condition. No conditions at all.  
Her choices were between her and God. Not my business.

It was a hard thing to convince myself but it would become my sanity.  
And so I wipe away a stray tear and I pull her close to me.  
Oh my beautiful baby girl I whisper into her ear.  
I feel her relax and sigh in relief and she hugs me tightly back.  
I love you she says, I reply that I will always love you too

And so her friend I watched closely.  
Too make sure there was no resentment, no games.  
Intent or emotions my daughter may be unable to see.  
I was still her mother after all. It was still my job.

But there was nothing sinister in the girl. There never had been.  
There was only commitment and love and tenderness and security.  
And my daughters eyes had learnt to sparkle and her smile brighter and more radiant than before.

And I wondered how I had been so blind to what love can do.  
How much it can give back something lost.  
Restore what has been stolen.

And she was whole despite her loss.  
And she was more sensitive and growing impossibly braver by the day.  
And nothing could hold her back.

Because love would conquer all.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Korsaks POV  
> Hope it's ok

Korsaks POV.  
hope this is ok.

* * *

I could have killed the man with my bare hands  
I yelled at the paramedics  
I stood speechless in front of the special weapons and tactical team  
I couldn't hear anyone, only her vanishing cries echoed through my mind once again  
First shock, then horror. And then so angry once again.

I'd lost her once when she was hurt.  
Again when she recovered but was too ashamed to be near me.  
And now she was gone again but in a different way.  
She wasn't the same anymore. She wasn't herself anymore.  
She sits calmly on the bed her hands folded together.

She doesn't look at me but she looks in my direction.  
I immediately miss the old her, the one that was all outward expression.  
She tries to joke with me like before but I just grunt.  
She means to try and pretend everything is the same.  
But I only have to look at her face to remember, to see it all over again.

My last week on the job before retiring from lieutenant.  
My first time not wearing a vest and carrying a gun.  
My first time nostalgic as I watch, this time not rushing the door right by her side  
She had that same determined look on her face.  
She carried herself like she could take on the devil.

I watched from the street as the officers broke the door and followed her inside.  
Moments later there was a bang that shook walls and shattered windows.  
Moments more and she was dragged outside on her back.  
Her black vest contrasted against the bright red skin on her arm and face.  
She was in shock and unmoving except for the gasps of breath.

The water poured over her traced odd patterns down her once smooth face.  
Her fists gripped and repeatedly tore at the grass underneath them.  
And then when she couldn't hold it in anymore, she screamed in pain.  
I've heard her cry like that before, just once, long ago.  
The ambulance siren drowns out the sounds that burn my ears and mind.

My hand burns in memory of hers clutching mine.  
I could kill the man they drag outside in cuffs.  
And when I go inside I see his hostage tortured to death  
I run outside and he sits in the back of the car laughing  
I kick the car door and threaten to kill him

It's not fair and it's not right  
It's the job she would have said, but thats just what we say to survive it.  
She doesn't want my sympathies or my regrets.  
I don't want her advice, I don't want her optimism.  
But she gives it anyway and I can't bear to stop her.

She smiles as she reminds me how many times she almost died.  
She tells me about Maura and how happy she has been.  
But she has changed and so has her life.  
Different reasons for eyes following her around the room.  
Different people in her everyday life. Different hobbies and different plans.

All changed so much that she resembles almost nothing of the past.  
No more clue finding, fast, dangerous job. No more second story condo  
No doing what she wanted when she wanted.  
She still smiles the same but the eyes don't sparkle anymore.  
She is still sarcastic but she can't gauge the responses.

She is still just as quick witted and smart and she knows it  
But the confidence isn't complete.  
She tells me she's still the same  
You can't see your face I reply  
She reaches her hand towards her face and lets it glide across her cheek.

She looks lost in thought and then she laughs softly and shakes her head  
You should see the rest of me.  
I laugh because for a moment it's her again.  
I'm alive and I'm happier than I've ever been, she promises me  
I take her hand and squeeze it and then I tell her I miss her.

She tells me change isn't so bad.  
She reminds me that I live behind a desk now. That I'm married and run a bar.  
That she isn't the only one that's changed.  
And that we all change at different speeds in different ways  
That we all end up somewhere we don't expect.

She says, It's what we do when we get there that matters  
Who we blame and how much baggage we hold onto  
And I look up at her face and she smiles at me  
And I see that she is free inside her new life, Just as I am inside mine  
It is certain that life changes around us

And I feel inspired by her attitude  
And I will watch as she inspires those around her  
Without even knowing she does it.


	6. Chapter 6

  
She was always braver than me.  
She always looked out for me.  
I guess that's what big sisters do.  
I wanted to be protective of her too  
Because isn't that how brothers are supposed to be.  
But I couldn't protect her from this, I couldn't save her like a brother should

I heard what happened from Ma  
I rushed straight to the hospital and waited  
They wouldn't let me in to intensive care straightaway  
It must have been bad, I shouldn't have let it happen.

Maura stayed close by her side through the good and bad news  
I couldn't comprehend what the doctors were saying  
I should have protected her, but right now I couldn't even help her  
And when they told us she would never see again  
I knew I had failed her and I for that I hated myself

Finally I was allowed in to see her and she just knew it was me  
I touched her shoulder gently and she asked me to hold her close  
It did because she was my sister and I had already let her down once  
Maura watched quietly from across the room  
I knew she saw the pain on my face I couldn't hide  
She thought she knew what I was feeling and gave me a look like she understood  
But I knew she didn't know because she isn't a brother that had failed a sister.

And every time I looked at my sisters face  
I wondered why they don't all hate me for it

Time passes and there's some healing however small  
But it doesn't take away my shame or guilt  
I work longer and harder to avoid it all  
Just because I don't want to face up to it  
But I can't avoid family dinners and Christmas and birthdays  
And I still wait to be blamed and hated by them all

Nina told me I'm as fearless as my sister  
But looking at her now I know that's not quite true.  
She has a different sort of fearless, not just bravery in the face of danger  
Not just life or death split-second decisions  
Fearless is being flexible and changeable  
Fearless is being humble and honest  
Bravery is facing those scary unknowns face on with head held high.

But to everyone else it's like not much has changed  
Her and Maura are close like before  
She still growls at Ma for interfering in everything  
She loops her arm through Nina's and they chat like the friends they were before.  
I think I might have become suicidal if I was in my sisters place  
I think I'd be afraid and frantic and desperate  
I don't think I could accept help so graciously like she has.

And just when I feel like an outsider to everyone nearby  
My sister calls me to over to her side  
Little brother she says softly as she reaches my way  
I put my arm around her shoulder and kiss her head  
She leans into my side and sighs contentedly  
My heart swells with affection and sorrow

So I tell her how proud of her I am  
She frowns and questions what I mean  
'You get braver and stronger even though the world tried to break you  
You strive forward when others would be pushed down and defeated  
You stand tall and live every day with care and confidence  
Not everyone could do that you know  
And you did it on your own.'

She shakes her head and punches me in the shoulder  
'I couldn't have done it without you all.  
You have been my support and my reason to go on'  
I hold back the tears as I tell her I'm sorry.  
She thinks I'm sorry for what happened to her  
Not that I'm the terrible brother that didn't protect her from it all.

'I'm proud of you too little brother', she says with a smile  
'I thought you'd quit after what you saw happen to me.  
But you know that saving and protecting people is worth the risk.'  
I couldn't protect her though and I hold my breath  
I protect the people I don't know and failed the ones I love  
I don't tell her how I feel because she shouldn't have to carry my guilt too

As I go to leave, I feel Maura's hand on my shoulder  
I turn to face her and see she tells me that Jane only speaks highly of me  
That she thinks I'm as brave as she is  
And I feel the guilt inside me grow  
I scoff and tell her that's not true

'She can't see what others see Frankie. She doesn't know how brave she is.  
She could only move forward, she would never quit.  
You thought she was invincible once. But now you see she isn't  
And yet you still carry on putting yourself in mortal danger everyday.  
She tells me you are brave, and Nina can I see it too.  
You have no idea how proud she is of you.'

'I let her down' I finally tell Maura  
'You did nothing of the sort' she replies  
I tell her that brothers should protect sisters  
She reminds me that being brave is knowing i don't have control  
That I can't be everywhere making people do what I think is better  
That protecting my sister isn't wrapping her in bubble foam.  
It's simply being there when she asks and looking out for her heart.

So perhaps I'm not such a bad brother after all  
Because I've always got her back  
And I'll be there when she needs me  
And watch over her when she doesn't.

And she is still teaching me to be braver, like big sisters do  
How to be fearless, how to let go and how to forgive and trust  
But although she is still tougher and braver than me  
I'm still her little brother that will always be there for her.

And more that ever before, I want to be just like her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was suggested to me by Marcor on fanfic that it would be nice to hear from Jane again...so here it is.  
> As it is the last chapter I'm leaving you with a bit of light.
> 
> I hope you love it.
> 
> Thanks so so much for all your continued comments and interest and support. So happy this stretched and grew and we all loved it Xxx Jam

Without bad you cannot know good  
Without dark you cannot know light  
And without love you cannot know hope.

I'd like to say everything was easy  
That there were no major problems  
That being blind had some hidden advantages  
That I could still do all the simple things on my own  
But I would be lying

Everyone stepped up their game for me, And I'm so grateful for it  
I didn't ask for it but I know I needed it  
Sometimes they make me ask for help and I'm ok with that  
It has been an unexpected adventure, a brutal training ground  
Hell week is nothing in comparison

But I've always tried to keep my head up  
I tried to stay true to who I was before and who I've always been  
But I've had moments I regret and attitudes I've learned to curb  
Yet, i've never let it all get the better of me.  
It won't get me down and it definitely won't define me.  
Life isn't always easy, it never is for anyone.

In life there are plenty of darker moments, especially for me, i'm surrounded by darkness  
But dark moments are only dark because there is something less dark to compare them too  
Otherwise dark would be normal, and light wouldn't exist  
And we wouldn't know the beauty of it

And with love comes light, so the dark moments don't seem so dark  
Darkness is the bridge connecting two moments of perfect light  
And I know light when I see it

It's at the end a of long day when your body aches all over  
And two knowing and gentle hands silently caress away the tension between your shoulders

It's when things go wrong and frustration steals your joy  
But that sweet laugh brings it right back you

It's when you get lost and confused and you're about to scream  
Gentle words whispered closely brings you out of your nightmare

It's at the end of a bad day and you want the earth to swallow you whole  
Arms wrap tightly around you and you are swallowed into a warm embrace that melts away the bad

It's when you're mad that things are harder and more tiring than they should be  
You're reminded of all the things you haven't lost and the blessing's right in front of you

It's when you fall and scrape your knee because something wasn't where it should be  
It's the hands that pull you up and the promise that tomorrow will be better

It's when you've had a fight and you sit in the corner crying in self pity  
Honest truths and gentle kisses that easily steal away all of your tears

Those things are my light

There is no relief from the darkness, from the struggle, from the fear or the comments  
But the love and light penetrates the darkness to bridge the gaps between  
Without love, that darkness would be unending  
It would be despairing and I would be despondent.

I'm sure it's hard on those around me, but they never mention it  
I'm sure guiding me to the many places I go becomes laborious and tedious  
But they all keep encouraging me to never stop, to keep moving forward

That's love  
That's sacrifice  
Sacrifice is love than penetrates like pure light, it scares the darkness away.

And I can't find it deserving, I'm not even owed it.  
Life isn't fair so I couldn't possibly ever earn it.  
I can only say I'm blessed to be surrounded by so much love  
So much light.

Light I didn't even notice until I was surrounded by darkness  
Love I didn't value until it was the only thing I could see

Sometimes when I feel the sun on my face  
And I imagine I can see it  
The darkness lifts like a heavy curtain opening and everything is a hazy white glimmer  
Sometimes I blink and it disappears  
And I think it must have been a memory

And then I woke and I thought I was in heaven  
The blurry yet recognisable contour of her face pinkish against white sheets behind  
I blinked and it got brighter  
And then I think I see her hand moving towards me

And in the haze I can't judge the distance as it moves closer  
I wince just a little and the movement freezes  
It doesn't feel like a dream, my hearts beating too fast  
I close my eyes and hold my breath and wonder if she notices

The longest second passes and I'm scared to look  
And then I feel the back of her fingers trace slowly across my cheek  
She doesn't ask what happened  
And i'm not quite ready to say

But when I open my eyes again I can tell she is smiling  
I can see the shape of her face has changed and there's a brighter white than before  
It's like a memory only new and blurry and bright  
Oh so bright

Without darkness there would be no light  
And without light there would be just nothingness

And I think perhaps there was something I saw then  
And once or twice again every so often  
And perhaps there is hope of an easier future

Im not excited because I don't need to see  
Because the love that I have is light enough  
And what I already have is bright enough

With love there is hope  
And with hope there is light  
And with light there is love.

xxx

 


End file.
